Life with Helen Johnson

Marriage is all about service, which does contradict the way most of us live, which tends to be self centred. Since I’ve been married I’ve been challenged on how to serve my husband daily so he receives my love and respect. This is an area I want to grow in, as like many I naturally think about myself first, and I want that to change.

I want to share with you four ways you can serve your husband, these are things you can do daily, and I would encourage you to start with one or two and then work your way up to doing all four every single day. I’m on this journey with you, so lets begin!

1. Words of affirmation & encouragement

Women tend to think that men don’t need compliments or encouragement, as women tend to express their insecurities louder than men do. However your husband is likely wanting and needing your daily encouragement through kind words. If you’re anything like me, you will find complimenting people quite uncomfortable, and even saying something affectionate to your husband could seem challenging. I acknowledged this and realised I find it 10% easier to write compliments than actually verbalizing them. I started to challenge myself by writing him a paragraph or two full of affirmation and encouragement. I’d talk about what a great man he was and how God was going to use him for great things, I then moved on to saying what a great father he’ll be one day – I got very mushy. I remember the first time I read him my encouragement, I looked up from my phone (which had my notes on) and I saw my husband tearing up. I remember thinking to myself in that moment ‘gosh has he been wanting to hear these words for ages? And I’ve not said them to him?’. As time passed it did get slightly easier to say compliments without needing those notes, but I’d be lying if I said this was an area I flourish in. But wives, remember your husband is likely carrying a heavy load, he’s leading your family, providing for you and your children, if you have them. Please remember that he needs encouragement and loving words just as much as you do.

Here are some areas to encourage him in:

• His career
• His provision
• His role as a husband and a father
• His faith in the Lord

2. Go out of your way to bless him

I remember coming to the realisation that most movies we watched I picked, that most of the dirty jobs around the house like emptying the bins and cleaning the bathroom, he did. I realised that my husband Andy went above and beyond to bless me and surprise me, and I rarely did anything like that. Don’t get me wrong, I cooked and cleaned and looked after our home, but I didn’t do anything from a place of surrender, a place of ‘I’m doing this for him because I know he’ll really value this’. I remember telling my mum that Andy often would bring chocolate bars home if he knew I’d had a bad day, she said to me ‘do you do that for him too?’, I suddenly realised that I didn’t. I was so used to Andy being the one to plan surprise date nights and spoiling me, that I’d failed to give him those loving things in return. So what does it look like to bless your husband? It could be watching a movie you know he loves, buying him his favourite sweet treat on the way home from work, taking an interest in the things he likes that you don’t fully understand or giving him a big hug and a kiss when he returns home from work. The things you do don’t have to be profound or brand new, even simple changes can make a huge difference in your marriage.

3. Give him room to share his thoughts and feelings

It’s easy to think that because men don’t deal with fluctuating hormones every month, or because they’re not the most expressive, that it means they don’t have emotions. I know for my husband if he’s feeling emotional he’s not likely to tell me, unless he feels in a safe environment where I’m giving him room to express himself. The reason why this tends to happen in men, is because they want to seem strong and they probably aren’t 100% sure how you’ll react if they do share their feelings. I don’t know about you, but when I ask my husband how his day went, I often get quite a short response, or if I ask him how he’s feeling I often get a ‘good’ or an ‘okay’. One thing I’ve learnt about men since being married, is that they don’t feel the need to share every emotion, but when they do have those emotions they will share them, if they feel able. The likelihood of your husband having a big heart to heart every evening is probably unlikely, but the chances of him needing to share something once or twice a week is probably quite likely, and we need to give them space for this. However many women often make their husbands feel guilty when they share their emotions, and so overtime this causes husbands to shut down and not share at all. So please, please, when your husband is sharing his thoughts or feelings with you, listen! Don’t try and interrupt or come up with a solution, women reading this will know how annoying it is when our men do that to us, so don’t do it in return. Active listening and open questions goes a long way to make your husband feel heard and valued. I’m preaching this to myself right now!

4. Show him respect

In the Bible wives are called to respect their husbands, I can be the first to admit this isn’t always easy. Andy and I read a really helpful book called ‘Love & Respect‘ by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, I would highly recommend reading this book if you are struggling to show respect to your husband. What does it look like to show respect to your husband?

• Encouraging him in his leadership & other en-devours
• Not speaking over him, especially in front of others
• Speaking highly of him in front of others (when he’s around and when he’s not)
• Allowing him leadership roles in your home (not taking over everything yourself)

These are just a few examples of ways you can show respect to your husband. I remember sitting down and asking Andy if he felt respected, and what ways I could show respect to him. This conversation was challenging, but also really helpful in highlighting ways I could love him more, by showing him my respect. I will agree, it’s a lot easier to respect a husband who is spending time in the Word of God, and who actively is taking responsibility at home. However in marriage we are not called to love and respect each other only if the other person is showing us that love and respect. We are called to show each other love and respect regardless of whether we’re receiving it. I would say though, if you aren’t receiving the love and respect you need from your husband it is important to raise this with him, and potentially seek couples counselling to work on any struggles in your marriage.

I hope you’ve found this blog helpful, I’m also going to write a blog called ‘Ways to serve your wife’, which will be for all the husbands out there. Marriage is the most beautiful earthly relationship you will ever have, so lets do our best to keep working on it and seeing the fruit that comes from that commitment.