Life with Helen Johnson

I’ve been married for over 2.5 years and there are certain routines I wish I would have implemented from day one of marriage that would have transformed my first year of marriage. Our first year did come with some challenges, and I think that’s partly because we weren’t implementing these 10 things. I hope this blog helps your marriage, especially if you’re engaged and about to get married, or you’re newly married, or even if you’ve been married for years. Please note that these tips are aimed at Christian couples who aren’t living together before marriage, but I do believe they can still help if you’ve already lived together before marriage.

#1 – Date Nights

When you’re dating and even during engagement you have separation, so when you do hang out it feels special. Looking back Andy and I would often go on walks together, or go for a drink and a meal, it made our time together feel special and romantic. However when you marry and are living together it’s easy for life to feel busy, and over time date nights start to be few and far between. Date nights are essential, as it shows your spouse you still care about pursuing one another and growing romance in your marriage. I’d encourage you to look at your calendar and pick a time every week where you take it in turns to do something special.

#2 – Create a chore and cooking rota

Living together for the first time can be stressful enough, without arguments happening over chores and cooking. I’d recommend sitting down and putting a plan together of who does what chore and who cooks what evening, and commit to it. One important thing to remember is that your version of tidy might look different to your spouses version of tidy. I would recommend discussing these concerns and coming to an agreement of what you want your home to look like. It could take a few months for these rota’s to feel natural, but I’d highly recommend implementing them.

#3 – Have alone time each week

It’s so easy to get back from your honeymoon and get stuck in this routine of being together all the time. It’s important to remember that before you got married, you both lived separate lives and had plenty of time alone. I remember when we first got married my husband would want to go on spontaneous runs, and that frustrated me as I felt I couldn’t plan an evening together. We both needed to learn that time alone is essential, but that it is good to set time aside for this each week, so you can plan time together and not feel like your days are all up in the air.

#4 – See friends/family every week

It’s important to individually see friends, but it’s also important to see friends and family together as a couple. Not only is this important for community, it’s also important as you can surround yourselves with people who have been married longer than you, and learn from them. I remember finding it helpful seeing my parents marriage in the early months, as they’d been married over 40 years. I also remember finding it helpful seeing my friends marriage, as they’d only been married just under a year longer, so it felt more attainable to aim for how they were approaching their marriage. We’re not supposed to do life alone in our bubble, we need community to help us learn and grow.

#5 – Schedule intimacy, if required

This might seem an unusual thing to schedule, especially if you’ve waited until marriage. However if you’ve had years of intimacy not being a part of your routine, it can hard to make it a priority in your life after marriage. This is especially relevant to couples who have busy jobs, or couples who work different shifts, or maybe you might have health issues which impact your intimacy. The one thing we do know is that intimacy is essential in every marriage, and sometimes scheduling it is the only way for it to prioritised. This tip may not be something every couple has to implement, but if you are reading this and intimacy is something you struggle to schedule and prioritise, please know you are not alone and that many couples struggle to navigate intimacy, especially if it’s something new that you’ve never experienced before. Every marriage is unique, so therefore your intimacy will be unique.

#6 – Individual time with God

Before you got married you likely had more free time, and so therefore individual time with God was probably easier to incorporate into your life. When I married my husband I noticed my time of prayer completely disappeared, as we’d pray together instead. Over time I noticed I wasn’t praying for things I really needed to pray about, as my usual time before was taken up by our prayer time together. I started to prioritise time with God by myself in the morning, and this really made a huge difference, not only personally, but also to my marriage. I’d encourage you to speak with your spouse if you’re struggling to find personal time with God, as you hopefully should be able to work out a time that might work for the both of you.

#7 – Establish morning/evening routines

What do you do if one of you sleeps at 10pm and wakes up at 7am, and the other person sleeps at 12am and wakes up at 9am?. It can difficult to establish healthy routines, especially if your circadian rhythms are different. So many couples think they’ll go to bed at the same time and wake up at the same time, for Andy and I this worked for about 2 years. However since we moved house I’ve noticed I prefer to wake up earlier than Andy, and so I need to make sure I’m not being too noisy and disturbing his sleep in the morning. I’d recommend finding ways to avoid sleep disturbance, such as leaving your PJs or day time clothes in the spare room, or brushing your teeth and getting ready for bed earlier, so you can quietly go to bed when your spouse is asleep. Either way, it will require compromise, and over time you’ll either start to have similar routines, or find ways to work around your different routines.

#8 – Have mentors/friends you can turn to for guidance

I remember someone telling me early on to never speak to a family member about something your spouse did that upset you, as two days later you and your spouse may be 100% fine, but your mother or sister may still feel angry towards your spouse. In marriage we will experience conflict, and there will be times where we need to speak to a trusted person. I would encourage you to find a mentor or friend who not only is slightly distanced from your marriage, but is also able to pick you up when you’re being out of order. I would say over two years into marriage Andy and I are able to manage our conflict 80% of the time just ourselves, but there are still those odd moments where you need outside wisdom. Please make sure you are seeking this in the right place, such as a counselor, trusted mentor or friend.

#9 – Eat dinner at the table together

This might sound a bit random, but it’s a personal favourite of mine that we’ve only recently started implementing. In our old house the kitchen was quite small, and so our favourite place to eat would be on our laps watching TV. Occasionally Andy and I still do this if we’ve had a long day and just need to crash. However I’d say 70% of the time we eat at the kitchen table. Sometimes we sit there for 1 hour just catching up, or sharing something that’s been on our mind. When you’re on your date night you don’t want it to be this place of sharing concerns, or getting super deep in a way that could cause conflict. However I find those moments at the kitchen table allow us to express real life problems we’re dealing with, and we can face one another and discuss them in a setting suitable for those conversations. My husband leaves the house most days by 7.30am, some days he’s not home until 7pm, there are times where I really miss him and wish I could have a long conversation. So in the past when we went straight to eating and watching TV it meant we didn’t get much quality time together. We now know that every evening we’ll have at least one hour to catch up and learn about each other’s day.

#10 – Create regular moments of fun

Marriage is not always easy, nor is life. If your marriage is anything like mine 70% of the time you are working, dealing with life admin and trying to thrive, not only survive! We love to have weekends away every now and again, or we love to see a show, or maybe go to the cinema. That 30% that’s spent having fun and creating memories are some of my favourite moments, and you need them in your marriage. I would say it’s especially important to create those fun memories together before having children, as once you have kids those moments will be far and few between, at least for a period of time.

I hope you’ve found this blog helpful, my aim is to give you advice I wish I would have known in those first few months of marriage. Over your years of marriage you will face the demands of having children, bereavements, potential money and health struggles and much more. It’s those early years of creating a solid foundation which will prepare you for handling those tough moments.

Here is a YouTube video that you might find helpful if you’re about to get married, or you’re newlywed.