As young Christians face the pull of culture, it is becoming normal for Christian people to enter into relationships, and potentially marriage with a Non Christian. I want to make it clear that this blog is not to judge people, but instead to highlight the differences between a Christian relationship and a Non Christian relationship (from my experience). My first relationship was with a Non Christian, and now I am married to a Christian man, so I believe I have a good perspective on both relationships.
Before I begin I want to define a Christian relationship and a Non Christian relationship.
Christian relationship = two believers of Jesus Christ, who follow Biblical principles and so therefore their relationship reflects Jesus.
Non Christian relationship = Either two people who don’t believe in Jesus Christ, or one who does and one who doesn’t. This results in their relationship not following Biblical principles, and most likely not reflecting Jesus.
CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP – What to expect:
1. Your community is predominately fellow believers, who encourage your relationship to reflect Jesus.
If you both are Christians you will likely both attend church. This will result in your closest friends likely following Biblical principles. What does this mean for your relationship:
- You’ve got friends who keep you accountable (to follow Biblical principles)
- You have friends who will be praying for your relationship
- Because you attend church, you will receive Godly counsel for your relationship
- Your friends will likely be living like you, their relationships will also be reflecting Christ
Personally, when I was in a Non Christian relationship it resulted in me following the habits of the people around me. Sex before marriage was not only normal, but encouraged. Watching pornography when you’re in a committed relationship is acceptable, and living as a Christian woman got harder and harder. However in a Christian relationship you’re encouraged to follow Biblical principles, and your relationship feels a lot more secure.
2. Men and women have unique roles and it’s encouraged to live out your role
In the culture today men and women’s roles are becoming less defined. When you’re in a Christian relationship, specifically a Christian marriage, your role as a husband or a wife is clear. The roles aren’t always easy, but it’s clear as you are following what the Bible says. If you want to understand your role as a Christian husband or a Christian wife, you can read these blogs:
3. You pray before making big decisions
When you both have a faith, you understand the importance of praying before making any big decision. This is especially important for husbands, as you are the head of the home, and it’s crucial that you pray over your family and the decisions you intend to make. As a wife I regularly have conversations with my husband about big decisions, and it’s wonderful that we get to pray together and ask for God’s discernment. As a wife this is especially important to me, as I want to know the man who is leading our home turns to God before making any big decisions.
4. Your values are not only respected, but encouraged within your relationship
One beautiful thing I experienced when I met my husband, was that not only did he respect the things I valued, but he also encouraged those things. For example I didn’t want to engage in sexual intimacy before marriage, this was something that wasn’t respected or encouraged in my previous relationship. Not only did he respect me enough to follow that Biblical principle, but he also encouraged it, as he followed that principle himself. If you’re in a Non Christian relationship your significant other may respect your values, but do they truly encourage them? If you ever slipped would they be encouraging you to stick to those values? Whether that’s attending church, praying before making big decisions, waiting until marriage…the list goes on. You want to know that the things that truly matter to you are being encouraged, it’s what takes a relationship to the next level. True support and commitment!
NON CHRISTIAN RELATIONSHIP – What to expect:
1. Sex before marriage is encouraged
This is probably an obvious expectation, but I want to dive a little deeper. You may enter a Non Christian relationship determined to keep yourself for marriage. You may make this perfectly clear to your significant other, and in the moment they may seem understanding. However as you slowly start to spend time around people who encourage sex before marriage, and as you realise you’re the only couple not having sex, the pressure to have sex will increase. I experienced this, it was mainly the expectation of others that led me to sexual intimacy before marriage. You may also find your significant other doesn’t want to get married as soon as you had hoped, and this can lead to sexual temptation, as we were not created to live in a romantic relationship for years and not engage in sexual intimacy. In the world we live in today, the ability to wait until marriage primarily happens for 3 reasons:
- A desire to follow Biblical principles
- Support from a Christian community, keeping you accountable
- Not waiting too long before getting married
Most Christian couples I know are married within 3 years, there are many reasons why this is the case, but one of the reasons is because they want a relationship that includes sexual intimacy. God designed us to desire intimacy within marriage. So therefore when Non Christian couples are dating or engaged for years it will become harder and harder to wait until marriage.
2. Your faith will become diluted
Raise your hands if you are in a Christian marriage? You attend church and pray on a regular basis? Keep your hands raised if you still struggle with your faith from time to time? It could be forgetting to pray, not picking up your Bible or even having doubts God really loves you when life hits hard. I have moments of doubt, but I’m married to a man who encourages my faith, and also encourages us to attend church. Now imagine you are with someone who doesn’t believe, what happens when those doubts come? (which they will, as we’re all human). If your relationship isn’t centred on Christ, then slowly everything around it will become less centred on Christ. Hear me when I say, this doesn’t mean you will lose your faith. When I was with my ex I always had a faith ticking away in the background, but was it on fire? no. Was it being kept alive within my relationship? no. If I told my ex I was going to stop attending church, would this be accepted? yes. If you intend on entering a Non Christian relationship you need to be prepared to face these challenges, in a way that you most likely wouldn’t in a Christian relationship.
3. You may face a divide in your friendship circle
The majority of couples we hang out with are Christian. We both individually have friends who aren’t Christian, and we continue to be good friends to them. However our joint friendships are with people who believe in the same thing we do, and that is mainly because our friendships are created through church or other Christian circles. When your significant other doesn’t have a faith, you may find it challenging having mutual friends. I know from personal experience that my ex never hung out with any of my Christian friends, and my Christian friends were my closest friends. I hung out with his friends, and we developed friendships with Non Christian couples. But the Christian couples I loved to be around and get input from were not joint friendships.
4. You could face complications with how you live your life in the future (such as raising children)
I remember sitting on the sofa in the flat I shared with my ex. I felt so isolated as I knew I was living a life far from the life I wanted to live. I felt this fear that if it continued I’d be choosing between my relationship and God, I never wanted to be put in that position. Of course God comes first, but surely God is supposed to bless my future marriage and support it? I knew if I continued down the path I would face many complications I was not prepared to face. You can’t control if your children become Christians or not, but you can raise them in church and show them the truth by how you live your life. I knew if I married my ex I wouldn’t be living a life that showed them the truth. Your faith changes your whole perspective on life, and it changes how you live your life. Sadly in a Non Christian relationship this will either lead to complication and constant clashing, or a relationship that encourages you to step away from your faith. I do want to say I know many couples who have different faiths and they have a marriage that works for them, and they have raised children who believe and attend church. So I can’t 100% say your life will be full of complication, but I do believe it will have complications that a Christian marriage wouldn’t have.
I’m aware I’ve shared some powerful and bold views, some of you reading this will agree with everything I’ve said, some may agree with some of what I’ve said, and some may disagree entirely. I want to express that it’s okay to be in any one of those categories. As I said at the beginning, this blog is not to judge, but instead to get you to ponder and think about your relationship, or the relationship you want in the future.
Life with Helen Johnson 
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