Life with Helen Johnson

Before I begin I want to highlight two things:

1. Andy and I are still very newly married (we married in January 2023). So I understand we wouldn’t have faced certain life struggles that can only come with time, such as raising children, facing loss, financial setbacks etc.
2. We have faced life altering health scares in a season where our marriage hadn’t yet built foundations to handle those difficult seasons. So even though we haven’t faced everything, we have faced a lot, very early on.

There are numerous verses in the Bible which show us that struggle is inevitable, we can’t avoid it, we have to face it. Psalm 46:1 and 2 Corinthians 4:8 are examples which explain we will face trouble and be pressed on every side. There are also numerous verses which show us that marriage is created by God, and that it’s something we are encouraged to pursue. Matthew 19:4-6 and Proverbs 18:22 are examples which explain that God designed men and women to become one flesh, and that a man who has a wife is blessed. So what we take from these scriptures is that we will experience struggle and marriage simultaneously. Marriage does not fix or eliminate our struggles, and nor should our marriages end because of struggles. So how do we ensure our marriages are kept strong when facing this inevitable struggles?

#1 – We understand our marriage is greater than our struggle

I remember driving home with a friend one evening, I had been expressing the challenge of my newly diagnosed heart condition. I was explaining that the diagnosis had come at a time in our marriage where we weren’t quite prepared for it. She was similar age to me, but had been married for 8 years. She explained the importance of our marriage being a covenant. She explained that there are only two covenants, the New Covenant and a marriage covenant (becoming one flesh). She explained that my covenant with my husband goes above anything (except God). She made me aware that no life situation is big enough to shake the commitment I made with my husband. When we understand that our marriage is number 2 (God is number 1), it allows any struggle we face to be put in it’s rightful place.

Here are a few practical examples:

1. Your spouse should always come before your children (this will actually bless your children)
2. Extended family should never come between a covenant marriage (honouring and respecting your spouse is essential)
3. You should never play the blame game (when life brings hardships you should unite together to face those struggles)
4. No opinion is worth more than your spouse’s feelings (if you think you’ve won an argument, you’ve actually lost)
5. Your career should be a way to bless your family, not a way to escape your family

#2 – We understand our marriage is constantly under attack, and we need to fight for it

Here’s a few ways your marriage is being attacked today:

• Temptation (sexual images, loud voices, sex not being prioritised, impossible standards we are expected to live up to)
• Divide (people stirring and interfering in your marriage, struggling to forgive, unrealistic expectations)
• Distraction (work appearing to be more of a priority, children, technology etc.)

Every single day I have the opportunity to gossip about my husband, to care more about watching TV than having one on one time together, to compare him against other men, to hold onto unresolved resentment, and the list goes on. The enemy hates a Godly marriage, and he will find numerous ways to get involved and break our marriages apart. So how do we keep our marriages strong when we face these daily attacks?

• Prioritise date nights and one on one time together (this includes sex)
• Find ways to serve our spouse, so they know they are deeply loved and cherished
• Turn off technology and don’t talk about work – talk to each other about your life together
• Spend time with Christian couples, this helps gain insight and encouragement
• Speak openly about struggles you face, so nothing gets build up and unresolved (as the enemy loves to use those thoughts and feelings)
• Pray daily for God to protect your marriage

If you have a passive marriage, where it simply ticks along and you’re not doing anything to protect it or grow it, you WILL face attacks that could pull your marriage apart. A pastor I watch compares a marriage to a garden, it will only grow where you water it. We should be daily watering our marriages.

#3 – We understand a marriage needs fun and friendship

Remember when you laughed together? When you spent ages getting to know each other? If I’m being honest one of the biggest things I regret is that I let my health stop me from enjoying life. There were moments where I didn’t laugh, where I only focused on the negative and I can’t imagine the impact this had on my husband. We went on trips together and I had fun then, but when we were at home living our daily lives I was often depressed and not fun to be around. I’m not saying you should be fake happy or pretend you’re not struggling with a mental health illness. But like I mentioned at the beginning, NOTHING should come before your spouse. My self pity became number 2 for a while, and I saw the impact it had on my marriage. I remember my husbands sister asked him how he was coping, and he said that’s the first time anyone had asked him how he was doing. I realised I was so wrapped up in my own world, I had failed to ask my husband how he was. Here’s a few things we started doing which reignited the fun and friendship:

• We played games together (monopoly deal and uno)
• We cooked together
• We had long conversations getting to know new things about each other (often on evening walks)
• We started joking and making each other laugh
• We went on more date nights, and romance became about fun, rather than a duty

One thing I want to say, is that when you transition from a season of ease into a season of pressure or challenge it can take an adjustment. Obviously depression was going to cause our boat to rock slightly, it was a huge thing and we didn’t want to ignore it. But the thing to ask yourself is ‘how can I get this rocking boat to be steady again?’, rather than letting the rocking continue until the boat capsizes. How can you implement things into your marriage that will reignite areas that maybe appear lost? Every marriage is unique, but I believe having fun together is a good way to stabilise your marriage, and remind yourself why you got married in the first place – because you not only love each other, you like each other.

#4 – We’re not afraid to admit sometimes we need help

Both Andy and I have had individual counselling in our relationship, we have also sought counsel from wise Godly mentors. I remember when we read ‘Love and Respect‘ – that was a huge help in our marriage. The conversation I had with my friend about a covenant marriage was so inspiring, and exactly what I needed to hear. They say pride comes before a fall, and honestly pride will kill your marriage. Being too proud to seek help will destroy your marriage, you need help, we all do. I regularly watch sermons and read blogs on marriage. Of course I enjoy it, but I also NEED it. There will be times when you’re facing a struggle that is too big for the two of you to handle alone. This could be because of the struggle itself, or maybe you both have different views on the struggle, and so therefore you need a fresh pair of eyes.

I remember having to acknowledge that I can be bossy at times, and that I’m doing a crap job at letting my husband lead our family. I had conversations with trusted friends, I watched sermons on submission in marriage, I prayed about it and I also talked to my husband about it. I knew I couldn’t change by myself, I needed outside support and help. Often the marriages that end up in counselling are the ones where the pain has gone too far, or where it feels too late to make any change. You wish those couples would have sought out help and support years before. Let’s be couples who seek out help before it feels too late.

We can 100% say that marriage is God’s design, and if it’s the only other covenant we will ever have, I think that shows us how important marriage is. I’d encourage you to watch sermons, read blogs, listen to podcasts, read books and talk to trusted mentors. Here’s a powerful statement:

If you love and respect your spouse the way God calls you to, you are not only honouring your marriage, you are honouring God. One way you can grow closer to God is by being the best spouse you can be.

‘I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine‘ – Songs of Solomon 6:3