Life with Helen Johnson

One of the biggest topics the church rarely talks about is sex. I think this needs to change, as in our culture sex is one of the biggest things people talk about. This means that people are getting the wrong advice, in the wrong places by the wrong people. In today’s blog I was to talk about 4 crucial things:

• Healing from sexual addictions and temptations (and the impact this can have in the marital bed)
• Having the correct sex expectations in marriage
• Addressing what sex is, and what it isn’t
• How to openly discuss sex in your marriage

FYI this blog is recommended for engaged couples soon to be married, or married couples. This is to help you stay pure, as sometimes we can find temptation even when we’re trying to approach the topic of sex in the correct way.

I recently created a 3 part series on YouTube all about sex, including my history of temptation and sex before marriage.

Healing from sexual addictions and temptations

Nothing can kill your sex life like addiction or temptations. It can warp your view on what sex is, and it can cause divide in your marriage and build huge insecurity. I would always strongly advise that a man and a woman shouldn’t get married until they have overcome and healed from addictions or temptations. However sadly in the world we live in today that is becoming harder and harder. With provocative images and videos easily accessible it’s not a surprise that sex in marriage has declined over the decades. Hear me when I say that this isn’t purely because of pornography, but you can’t deny that the easy access to pornography has probably not aided couples sex lives over the years.

If you are experiencing addiction or temptation in marriage then it’s crucial to get support and counsel, I can not speak into this, as I haven’t had a porn addiction and I am not a counsellor. But what I will say is that God can always heal, and that marriage is something He created to be blessed. I believe your marriage can be transformed no matter what struggle you are facing. But the reason I want to mention sexual addiction and temptation in a Christian marriage is because so many people do struggle with this. Many couples face struggles in their sex life, whether it’s health (such as the menopause or an illness), pregnancy and parenthood or a hormonal imbalance. However the problem with pornography is that without meaning to it says ‘you are not enough for me’, or ‘I can’t find full satisfaction with just you’.

The one benefit of facing addictions in a Christian marriage is that we have God at the centre. We can find restoration and healing, it isn’t the end to our marriage. So if you are experiencing an addiction or your spouse is, please seek the help you need to overcome this addiction, not just for your marriage and intimate life together, but for your own wellbeing and faith.

Having the correct sex expectations in marriage

Here is a list of sex expectations that many individuals have stepping into marriage:

• Sex every day
• A priority without even any effort (instantly wanting sex without any effort)
• Instantly mind blowing (even though you may have both entered marriage as virgins)
• Something you can naturally talk about without any awkwardness

Expectations can kill experiences, and when you walk into marriage expecting the above, it could likely lead to disappointment. If sex has never been a part of your relationship, then you haven’t learnt what it means to prioritise sex or to talk about sex in a natural way. Yes there will be chemistry, because you love one another and you are sharing something so intimate (and designed by God). But that doesn’t mean it will happen exactly as you plan. Here’s a few things to consider:

• You may have different sex drives
• Your schedule might mean sex isn’t as often as you’d like it to be
• You may think you know what your spouse values, but you might be wrong
• You might find it strange talking about something so intimate and sexual, after fleeing from sex for so long

If you remove the expectations and just enjoy the gift God has blessed your marriage with, the likelihood of you being satisfied in your sex life is greater.

Addressing what sex is, and what it isn’t

Sometimes our view on what sex is can be blurred, and can you blame us for viewing sex this way. We live in a sex crazed world that tells us everything sex isn’t, yet we believe that’s what it should be. I want to share some important truths in this blog:

What sex is:

• A beautiful creation by God for a husband and wife to only enjoy together
• A way to serve your spouse, not to gain sexual gratification
• Something emotional, not purely physical
• A way to express how much you love your spouse
• A way to connect you
• Something to prioritise
• On occasion a way to start your family

What sex is not:

• For someone who is not your spouse
• Something to withhold
• To get your fix, but give nothing in return
• A way to role play your addictions
• A way to think of someone other than your spouse
• To not cross boundaries that the Bible prohibits

When we understand the true meaning of sex it allows us to glorify God and strengthen our marriage. I remember on my wedding day feeling this weight lifted, as I actually felt a nudge from God encouraging sexual intimacy. After years of hearing God saying no, I finally heard him say yes, and it was such an emotional experience for me. In marriage God says yes, before marriage God says no. The command is simple, but yet so many people fail, I think that is partly because we don’t understand what sex truly is and what it is for.

How to openly discuss sex in your marriage

Before Andy and I got married we did everything humanly possible to avoid crossing that boundary. That included not talking about sex, not complimenting each other in provocative or overly sexual ways and keeping our conversations as pure as we could. When you then get married suddenly talking about sex is encouraged, and this can feel quite strange. Here’s how it felt:

• I can’t tell you I find a part of your body hot, to suddenly complimenting them on everything you find sexy

• I can’t express sexual desires I might have, to suddenly sharing every graphic detail and then showing them

• I have to close off the sexual side of me, to then sharing everything and worrying they might find it slightly overwhelming or strange

It feels so strange to go from one extreme to the other, and this will naturally take time. I remember trying to talk to my husband and feeling like I was committing this awful sin by talking about sex. But God wants husbands and wives to talk about sex, because the more you talk about it, quite frankly the more you will do it! The more you talk about it, the better you will be at expressing your love to one another, the more you talk about it, the more comfortable it will get to have those discussions. Here’s a few suggestions:

• When trying to raise something, start with a compliment. Otherwise it could feel like you’re complaining, rather than offering a suggestion
• Don’t try and squeeze the conversation into a 10 minute window, make sure you have time to both discuss your thoughts and expectations
• Have fun with it, have a kiss and a cuddle….don’t talk about your sex like you’re talking about your budget or home renovations!
• Don’t speak to a friend for advice, discuss with your spouse and seek professional counselling if you need support or guidance

I want to end by recommending a YouTube channel. Dave & Ashley Willis are a Christian couple who have been married for several years, and they are not afraid to discuss EVERY detail about sex and marriage in general. Every video I’ve watched I believe has followed Biblical teaching, and they answer so many questions most people are too embarrassed to answer. Here’s one of their videos on sex.