Life with Helen Johnson

It’s no secret that Andy and I want to have children one day. It’s also no secret that my upcoming heart operation has delayed us starting a family. I know there must be so many other couples out there who are experiencing seasons of waiting. In today’s blog I want to share what I’ve found hard in the season of waiting, what I’ve valued in this season, and finally what I’ve learnt. I hope this blog is helpful if you also are in a season of waiting.

What I’ve found hard

1. Many couples our age have babies or young children

It’s not easy walking into church, and seeing women my age holding babies or playing with their young children. We live in a culture that often prioritises career over children, so therefore many women aren’t having children until their mid to late 30s. However church culture is slightly different. Many women get married in their 20s and start having children soon after. This then results in most ministries aimed at women in their 30s being targeted to mums. My husband and I have definitely noticed a gap, and it’s a gap which only highlights that we aren’t able to have children now.

2. There’s a perception that if you don’t have children, then you’re either not a family, or your family is incomplete

The Bible is very clear that once you’re married, you are your own family. However we sometimes seem to forget that, and often married couples without children are referred to as a “couple” and not a family. This can often result in being isolated and kept away from typical family activities. I also experienced my husband and I being treated independently, rather than as one. For example my husband being asked to serve at church, without me being taking into consideration. However if we had children I don’t believe that would have happened. You don’t become a family unit once you have children, you become a family unit once you say ‘I do’.

3. Pressure to prove your life is worth something, and that you’re succeeding in something

As a married woman without children, I feel this need to prove that my life has meaning and purpose. I started writing a blog and I started a YouTube channel for example. I do love creating content, however I can’t deny part of the reason I started was to find purpose in this waiting season of my life. There’s this idea that if you don’t have children, then you must use your free time wisely and for something big. I wouldn’t say there’s anything wrong with that, however it shouldn’t be the main reason or the main drive. Our lives already have great purpose, and we never have to burn ourselves out to prove that our life has purpose, simply because we are not yet mothers.

What I’ve valued

1. Time with my husband, to build a firm foundation

Let’s not pretend kids are not a handful. They turn your world upside down, and this is coming from a woman who is not yet a mum. I’m thankful that we’ve had time to grow our marriage, and create foundations which will withstand the challenges of children. I do believe children can bless a marriage, as you’ve created life together, and are united together for a greater cause than just yourselves. However those married couples who have kids purely to save their marriage, well, let’s say they probably will be very disappointed. Our marriage is not perfect, but I can honestly say I’m proud of our marriage. We’ve faced challenge, but we’ve risen above it and remain very happy together. I’m thankful for a marriage that isn’t easily rocked side to side when the waves come.

2. Freedom to explore new interests and potential career paths

If I didn’t have this season of waiting, I would have probably never started writing and making YouTube videos. Many women say that when they become mums, it feels like your title is ‘mum’, and nothing else. I’ve loved having time to explore new interests, that who knows, one day could lead to a career. Children take up a lot of our time and attention, so not having children allows you capacity to put that time and attention somewhere else.

3. Ability to save money, and have more financial freedom

Kids cost money, not having kids allows you to save more money. This means you can invest that money in yourself, be generous to others, and maybe even make financial decisions that would be impossible if you did have children. My husband and I have been able to buy a house we love, go on wonderful holidays and invest in future businesses, because we have been able to save. One of the primary reasons many people chose not to have kids, is because they want more money. I wouldn’t say this is a Biblical approach, however I can see why some Christian couples chose that life, especially when we take cultural influence into consideration. I know personally that I’d rather be a mother, than be financially wealthy. However I’ve seen too many people in horrific financial situations to admit I’m thankful for this season of financial freedom.

What I’ve learnt

1. Only Christ can complete me

No title can give me my identity, nor can it complete me, or make me whole. Not wife or mum, or any career path I chose to take. I find it hard that no one calls me ‘mum’, but I also need to remind myself that it won’t complete me. I am already whole in Christ, and becoming a mother won’t ever change that.

2. You can’t control your own life

When we’re young we’re often told our fate is in our own hands, that’s one of the biggest lies anyone has ever told me! Yes, I make decisions which navigates me in certain directions, but do I decide my own fate? Never. Learning to live life with open hands is one of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learnt, and probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, and still continue to do.

3. There’s beauty in every season

In-between the emotional moments and complaints, I’ve witnessed so much beauty and joy. I’ve learnt new things about myself, I’ve pushed myself and I’ve discovered that motherhood is not the be all and end all. I’m learning to realise that running after a new chapter will only make me feel discontent in my current chapter, and maybe if I actually sit down and live the chapter, life would naturally move me onto the next chapter, at the right time. I hope that analogy made sense! To summarise, don’t skip ahead, as you’ll miss a whole section that will allow the rest of your life to make so much more sense!

I hope this blog has been helpful, it’s not easy to wait, but it can be fulfilling and even life changing. So, let’s stop reading our friends book, and start reading our own! (final book analogy, I promise)

Other similar blogs:

• ‘How to handle seasons of waiting’
• ‘An insight into my season of waiting for our future family’
• ‘My operation keeps getting delayed’

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